I’m pretty sure writing a blog post while under the influence of pain killers ranks right up there with drunk texting. So instead of giving you guys an update sounding like a desperate ex-girlfriend, I spent my weekend passed out and drooling on my couch.

It looked like some random sorority chick got roofied and passed out in our basement. I had red pillow creases imprinted on my cheeks and mascara smeared under my eyes for days. (How that mascara got there is still a mystery because I wasn’t wearing any makeup.) My lips were chapped and parched  and one eyelid insisted on hanging lower than the other.

When people throw their backs out on TV it’s hilarious. But when it happens in real life, it’s anything but funny.

I went to Urgent Care on Saturday because I was finally able to walk. When I got there I was told that it was all muscular and nothing to worry about. Today I went to see Tara my friend who is the physical therapist and she taught me how to squeeze my inner ab muscles before making any movements. She also taught me how to gently press my hip toward the wall to get my left hip to go back where it belongs.

I’ve come a long way in just a few days and felt good enough to go for a walk around the neighborhood before lunch.

I’m still on muscle relaxers and anti-inflammation medicine but I don’t have to take any more of the pain meds. This is awesome because I was so tired of being tired.

Everything seems to be coming back together. Here is what I can do now…

• Put on my pants all by myself.
• Hold Penelope for short periods of time.
• Lift the toilet seat before sitting down to pee.
• Shave my legs.
• Refrain from grunting when I try to stand up.
• Refrain from grunting when I sit down.
• Get off of the floor without screaming.
• Kick a pair of dirty underwear out of the way without crying afterward.
• Complete a timid air squat.

It’s only been 4 days so I feel like I have come a long way. I am currently working on the neglected laundry, being super aware of the form I use when I get it out of the wash.

I’m also tempted to go to the gym and try out the elliptical machine. Brent doesn’t think it’s a good idea. He has been on single daddy duty for days and doesn’t want me to do anything that could hinder my recovery.

With Daddy being in charge Penelope has discovered that she loves BBQ sauce, she also likes the way whiskers feel on her bare tummy, and she thinks her daddy is so much better at reading Fancy Nancy than her mother. (This is hard to believe because I can really get into character.)

Bridget didn’t mind having her mom trapped on the couch because that meant I was perfect bait for cuddling as long as she was gentle about it.

I was worried about what this would mean to my waistline. I thought I would eat horrible out of boredom. But the medication I’m taking makes my mouth super dry and everything tastes funny. I don’t have much of an appetite either, so I haven’t eaten much but what I did eat wasn’t very good for me.

Since I can’t workout for a while I’m going to have to focus on eating as clean as possible. This is hard because I was feeling REALLY sorry for myself. When that happens anything goes. And by anything I mean, ice cream and hamburgers. I’m sure I would have done a lot more damage if I hadn’t kept passing out.

Speaking of passing out… apparently muscle relaxers make you really sleepy too because I can feel a nap coming on. I just wanted to drop in and let you guys know that I am alive and sleepy well.