I have a confession to make…
I got a job so that I could run away from my child and then I had a mommy guilt meltdown about it.
I cried for about four hours in the middle of the night and I seriously thought I was losing my mind. Who cries over getting a job? And why wasn’t I feeling completely fulfilled with being able to be a stay-at-home-mom? It was a gift to be able to spend so much time with my baby and I was miserable. Was this normal or was I just going crazy? Did this make me a bad mom?
This happened right after Brent returned from his trip to Missouri where he was relaxing at his parent’s lake house, visiting our new nephew.
Meanwhile, I was at home with the girls picking up a million dirty diapers off of my bedroom floor.
It was a shitty situation.
I tried not to feel bitter about it. But when Brent got home just in time for me to cook him dinner and listen to how tired he was from lounging by the lake I couldn’t keep the resentment from bubbling over. I was running on empty and on top of it I had added a job to the mix. Brent was only going to be home for one night before he headed back up the mountains to work for another two days. I tried to fight it but I became completely overwhelmed. I didn’t acknowledge just how overwhelmed I was until that moment when I was woken up in the middle of the night to care for Penelope and my defenses were down. I tried to go back to sleep but instead, I lost it.
The next day I woke up after only getting 2 hours of sleep. My eyes were so puffy it hurt to open them. Despite that I felt cleansed. I cried all of the bitter out and was ready to embrace the day.
So as soon as we dropped Bridget off at school I put on my sunglasses to hide my bloodshot eyes and took Penelope to the park. Our morning run was replaced with setting Penelope loose to chase after the geese where she was able to run amuck for an hour solid.
Apparently she feels the need to run the crazy out too.
She had so much fun and was so sweaty and worn out that she took the best afternoon nap ever. She was also so lovable and cute because she was just SO happy. That’s when I decided I must be on to something.
I’ve known for a while that I needed to find balance in all aspects of my life. I need to balance me time, baby time, cleaning time, work time. I was upset about my work obligations because I was worried that they would take away my time with Penelope.
But in reality I wasn’t really spending quality time with her… only quantity time. Instead of bonding with her I was fruitlessly trying to clean my floor while yelling at her to get off of the table every morning. That’s no good.
So that’s when I decided that the mornings after I dropped Bridget off at school I would forget about the house work, or school work, or work work and would dedicate this time as our time. A time for me to simply enjoy her. I would take her to do the activities that she loves. A time where she could run her little heart out.
That way when the day is almost over and I’ve sat down to enjoy a nice dinner I don’t lose my shit when she decides to be a dining table centerpiece with pigtails…
Instead, I’ll think it’s funny and I’ll embrace the fact that she won’t be this little forever.
During my little break through I found a couple of blog posts to help me cope with being a stay-at-home-mom (with a job). I thought I would share them just in case you feel like you might be on the verge of being committed.
8 Ways to Be A Happy Productive Mom:
3 thoughts on “The Day Motherhood Kicked My Ass”
You’re a great mom,wife, and an even better human.
First of all, you are hilarious. You capture motherhood perfectly with your writing and I SO enjoy reading. Secondly THANK YOU for sharing that you lose it sometimes. I have been losing my marbles daily, and then I cry myself to sleep because the guilt is so overwhelming. With 3 (competitive, wildly active) boys….seriously I am a mad woman. You are right on about spending quality time with your kids. I can tell the difference in their behavior for sure when I am focused on our time together versus blinking up from the computer screen and saying “Uh-Huh.” 🙂 Hang in there mama!
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