Bust A Face

Guys… I used to be a bad ass but now I can hardly walk in public without my leg giving out on me. It kind of looks like I’ve randomly decided to bust a move Carlton style when in reality I’m just trying not to bust a face.



I’m not a very vain person, but I must say that among all of my flaws I’ve always loved my legs. I’ve always had naturally muscular legs that look toned no matter what the state my muffin top was. And I was fast, I could move stealthily no matter what my weight was.

Needless to say… things have changed.


(Don’t look at my leg hair… that’s rude.)

I want to be a haus again. I used to be ashamed of my muscles, and now I can’t wait to feel them stretch and flex. I can’t wait to feel powerful again. I can’t wait until I feel as physically capable as I used to feel.

The other day a few of the kids in my hall at school were trying to jump up and touch an exit sign that was hanging from the ceiling. Upon witnessing this I told them to stop it… and then promptly tried to do it myself.

I barely got off the ground.

The kids were nice enough to congratulate me on my effort and not point out the fact that I looked like a baby penguin throwing a fit.

I’m making small strides. I’ve finally been able to work out consistently even if the workouts I’m capable of doing are really lame. One early morning I found myself on a treadmill next to an acquaintance that I hadn’t seen in a long time. She ran effortlessly beside me not even noticing me as I wobbled along side her.

It was four thirty on a Tuesday morning. I was wearing the t-shirt I went to bed in and she was wearing a cute workout outfit meant to be athletically cute. (Damn her.) At first I didn’t notice that she was beside me because I was sleep walking trying to convince myself that working out at such and ungodly hour would later make me feel good. Then I glanced over and recognized her.

I’m not really much of a social butterfly when it comes to working out. I kind of just want to do my thing and then sneak out of the gym unnoticed, but I felt rude not saying anything to her.

Finally, I tapped on her shoulder and gave her a quick wave hello.

We exchanged a few niceties and I awkwardly kept trying to put my headphones back on even though she wasn’t quite done asking me questions. She was really friendly, but I couldn’t help but feel self-conscious due to the fact that I looked like an albino without mascara and she looked like freakin Bambi with her black eye lashes batting in my direction. I tried to simultaneously focus on what she was saying to me and the belt moving beneath my feet, so I didn’t end up doing one of my accidental Carlton moves.

The competitor in me couldn’t stand the fact that she was having a full conversation with me while she ran. I couldn’t stand being lapped by her (even though she couldn’t technically lap me due to the fact that we were on treadmills). Plus, I’m pretty sure this woman runs 50 mile races every other weekend and could probably kick my ass on a good day, but this didn’t stop me from wanting to provide an explanation for why I wasn’t as awesomely fit as her.

As the conversation finally ebbed I blurted out, “I had surgery.”

She looked at me.

“That’s why I can’t run.”


“Yeah, it was pretty intense.” And that’s why I’m fatter than I was the last time I saw you. Even though that shouldn’t entirely take the blame because in reality I was fat before I had surgery and I kind of hate how your boobs stay still while you run while mine shimmy uncontrollably under my oversized pajama shirt despite the efforts of my too small sports bra. Anyway, I used to be a bad ass and still totally could be even though technically I’m not. Thought you should know… you know in case you were wondering why I can hardly walk beside you. 

“Oh, well good luck with that.”

The conversation ended shortly after. My time on the treadmill was up so I stopped the belt, gingerly stepped off the machine and hobbled out the door wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

The Monday Diet


Teaching is taking over my life guys.


I came upon this realization the other day while I was putting on my quotation mark earrings.


This isn’t the only questionable fashion choice I’ve made recently. I’ve also taken to wearing jeggings to work.


My normal pants are just a wee bit tight. Not tight enough to cause me to run to the store to buy more, but tight enough for me to want to avoid them. You see, I had been on the Monday diet for the whole month of February. You know how it goes, you decide that Monday will be the day that you will be super strict on eating. You make all of these plans and get all hyped up. Then Monday sucks, so you come home, eat cookies and drink wine. Then Tuesday rolls around and you are just one day away from Wednesday which is practically the weekend, soooo you might as well just wait start again next Monday…

I was on that diet.

Lately, I had been treading water just trying to keep up. Work life was kicking my ass, family life was kicking my ass, the size of my ass was kicking my ass. This doesn’t mean I’m not having fun. I just have a whole lot of life happening all at once.

It appears I am allergic to many things in life (stress, knee injuries, having babies, almost having babies, working full-time, surgery) all of these things make me fat.

I’m fat again ya’ll. True story.

For some people this may be a one time thing, but for me I have a trigger in my brain that causes me to get fat. I’m not alone, I know that, but it still bums me out.

Every time this happens (I hate that I have to write that phrase out) I go through the same cycle. It goes a little something like this…

  1. Oh shit I’m fat!
  2. How did this happen?
  3. Don’t worry it’ll go away.
  4. It’s not going away!
  5. Do something about it.
  6. What the hell do I do?
  7. Oh shit I’m fat!
  8. This is stupid, get it together.
  9.  I still don’t know what to do!
  10. Ok, I’m ready now.
  11. What was my problem? This is much easier than I made it out to be.

It takes about a month to go through all of that emotional turmoil. It’s exhausting, and kind of ridiculous. Which is probably why I didn’t want an audience while I went through it. (That and I didn’t have time to write it all out.)

I’m pretty sure this cycle has a little something to do with my own biological seasons. I have my own summer, fall, winter and spring. Having the predisposition to depression can cause any season to show up at any moment. For the past month I was plunged into winter… sluggish and unmotivated. But suddenly little buds are starting to pop up, and I just know that it won’t be long before I’m blooming all over again. In fact, I can feel it coming now.

I think it all started with a walk around the block.

I hadn’t exercised (other than my weekly physical therapy sessions) in months. Walking around the block was such a hard core workout. I was sweaty and my right leg was exhausted. But I finally got to just listen to music that wanted to listen to. I got to feel the fresh breeze on my flushed face. And I got to gulp down clean fresh air. It was divine.

After that, I started walking every day, going further and further.

Then I started waking up earlier than normal just to have a moment to myself before the day begun. I swapped my nightly wine for morning tea. I gave myself some time to read, or write. You would be amazed at what can happen if you force yourself to relax and be mindful.


Slowly I started to come a live again and in addition to my quiet time in the mornings I chose two days out of the week to go to the gym in the mornings before work. It took some bartering with Brent to make it work. He’s in paramedic school, so he works out in the mornings since he’s in school all day. I begged him to give me two days of his five days. He agreed but said that he would take them back the first time I didn’t do it. This only motivated me more.

I’ve also gone back to having my weekly sunrise walk with my friend Andrea. We switched it to a weekend morning, so I don’t have to rush to get to work. Last time we ended up walking for almost 90 minutes just talking and catching up. It didn’t even feel like a work out, but when I got home and looked at my fit bit I had already walked my 10,000 steps. I ended up burning somewhere around 3,400 calories that day.

After a while other things started to fall into place again. I guess all of my previous attempts at being healthy and losing weight weren’t a complete waste after all. It turns out I had developed some healthy habits before that I was able to jump right back into.

A few weeks ago I felt like I was missing out on life because life was consuming me whole. I didn’t think I could add one more thing to the equation. I was just too busy and too stressed out. But surprisingly, the key to my happiness was adding more and prioritizing it. I added more alone time, more self-reflection, more yummy clean food and fresh clean air. It is surprising how quickly the little things add up.

Before I knew it I was five pounds down and that much closer to shedding my jeggings.

It works the other way too. The little things can be what derails you from the life you want to live. I always forget this, but it really is a matter of deciding what kind of life you want and simply living it… one step at a time.

More, more.


I know that winter has just begun but for some reason I feel like spring has suddenly bloomed inside of my head.

It must be the fresh start I feel coming. I just keep waiting for it to peek it’s head around the corner.

I have a tendency to hit a refresh button this time of year. The holidays are over and a new year is upon us. I’ve usually obtained some form of sugar addiction by this time and have had a few weeks off of work to contemplate how I could be more present, more organized… more, more.

Don’t get me wrong all of those things have happened this year as well. I’ve got a million unrealistic expectations listed out in my head for the new year. But it’s also very different.


This year my hibernation pattern has been compromised. I missed the final opportunity to frolic outside and smell the rotting leaves before the earth was coated in snow. Every winter I get into a bit of a winter time funk due to my inability to play outside, but this year the funk hit early because of my leg injury.

I took so many things for granted before I had this surgery. Each week after the surgery I could feel my inner light shining dimmer and dimmer as I waited for my freedom of movement to come back. I felt like a butterfly stripped of her wings. And I couldn’t bare to write to you and tell you about it. I didn’t want to pull you down into my little dark chamber.

Each week seemed to be worse instead of better and I was unbearably frustrated because of it.

Until finally… I turned a corner.

Yes, my leg looks like a patch work quilt but after having surgery again I no longer need to worry about a gaping wound on my leg. I no longer have to wear a brace, and I don’t have to use crutches anymore.

My leg aches everyday as my muscles struggle to make a return, but every day I can feel myself getting stronger and stronger. My physical therapist said that I’m doing exceptionally well. She said that she’s never seen anyone undergo the same surgery and recuperate as fast. (Thank you Haus legs of yesteryear.)

Over the fast two months I have had a lot of time to sit and think. I debated on whether or not I would continue to write this blog. At the time I didn’t really have anything nice to say, and honestly I felt like a failure as I sat there in the worst shape of my life.

Then suddenly I began to bloom again and I couldn’t wait to write just to say hello. It seems I had forgotten why I write in the first place…


It has nothing to do with perfection because perfection is boring. Nor does it have to do with success because how exactly do you measure success?

I write because I like you. And because apparently I am compulsively drawn to new beginnings…

So, as you may have noticed this little section of the internet looks a little different. I figured a fresh face for a fresh start was appropriate. Especially considering that I will be starting from the beginning all over again.


Weekly Weigh-in #1


I’m gonna be honest with you guys… it took me a while to get into the groove this week. I told myself that I would be hardcore from day one (last Friday). That mentality didn’t really come to fruition until Monday. Up until that point I kind of dabbled in dieting but I wasn’t fully committed.

You know why? I hate dieting.

BUT after months and months of just doing whatever I wanted to the point of ridiculous it turns out to be absolutely necessary.  If you are going to be extreme in the “I don’t give a shit department”. You better be prepared to get extreme in the other direction if you have any hopes of undoing any of the damage that has been done. So, that’s what I’m doing…

There seems to be a progression of revelations that come with dieting that seems eerily similar to the steps of grief.


Shock and Denial- I’m not that fat… Oh CRAP I am that fat! 😦 I can’t handle this right now, I’ll deal with it tomorrow.

Anger and Depression- How did it get this far? What the hell is wrong with me? Why didn’t you just start yesterday?

Release and Honor- I know what I need to do and that’s all there is to it.

Return to Love- I get more awesome day after day! Can everybody see how awesome I am?

Over the weekend I was still in shock and denial. Then Monday and Tuesday rolled around and I exercised self-discipline for the first time in a long time. This pissed me off because I don’t like being bossed around, even if I am the one doing the bossing. Then Wednesday through today I’m feeling pretty proud for accomplishing all of the little steps that I took through the week.

The counting calories part was the hardest for me. But it proved to be the best method for regaining some perspective. I would try to sneak in something not 100% healthy and I ended up hungry at the end of the day. But if I filled up on wholesome goodness within my calorie range I felt great. That prompted me to continue to make smart choices.

For instance, last night I had some calories left over after dinner. I wanted a little dessert so I contemplated eating a piece of dark chocolate and savoring it. Or eating apples and greek yogurt. I chose the apples and greek yogurt and it was awesome.


When I weighed myself after the New Year I was shocked to see that I weighed 211.4 pounds. When I stepped on the scale today I weighed 206. That’s 5.4 pounds.

Honestly, I wish it were more. I wanted that 211.4 pounds to be mostly water weight from the holidays but I don’t think it is. The sobering fact is it is mostly comprised of fat.

I really am disappointed about ending up in this situation again…

I could blame it on all kinds of things: the ectopic pregnancy, PCOS hormones, new job, busy lifestyle… but none of that stuff matters. Wasting energy trying to justify how I ended up this heavy again doesn’t do anything for me in the future.

What I need to do is take this process one day at a time and pat myself on the back for each and every good decision that I make that leads me to where I want to go. In fact, that has kind of become a little nightly ritual. I track everything that I ate,  contemplate on all of the exercise I did and then I just take a moment to feel proud of myself.

Yes… I realize how cheesy that sounds..

But I really think it is necessary in the early stages of a lifestyle change.

I stripped down to my little blue short shorts for a new round of before and after pics. These will be posted on Friday January 30th along with the 1 month progress.

Now there is nothing left to do but keep going and that includes lunch with middle schoolers…


Blogs That Help Me Stay Motivated

Welp folks… my 7 month free for all is officially over. And I’ve got the love handles to prove it.

I stepped on the scale today, the first Friday after the holidays, and the number was NOT pretty. I don’t even want to tell you what it was. It hurts my feelings.

I know this is a weight loss struggle blog and all but I think I’m going to keep that number under wraps until my first weekly weigh in next Friday. That way I have an opportunity to redeem myself a bit. I also need to take my before pictures. I’ve recruited my friend who is an amazing photographer to officially do it on a monthly basis. I did this for three reasons…

1. I don’t think it’s a good idea to have my daughter take my pictures anymore. She’s at a sensitive age and I don’t want her to see me pay so much attention to my aesthetics like that. I don’t think it’s fair.

2. This way nobody can steal my before and after pictures (again) because she will be putting a watermark on them.

3. If I have a date for a photo shoot once a month I will be less likely to justify not staying on track. (Wearing booty shorts in your own house is one thing. Wearing them at someone else’s house is a whole other thing.)

So in preparations for this new change I did what any good American would do. I ate everything I’m not going to be allowed to eat. On New Year’s Eve Brent and I celebrated during the day because he had to work on New Year’s Day. We took care of all of the food categories that I am extinguishing from my life.

And by food categories I mean alcohol and greasy bar food…


Yes, I bought a box of wine.

I bought it when I went on break from school and I tried my darndest to drink it all during the holidays. But I just couldn’t quite do it. I’m not an alcoholic, I just don’t like being told I can’t do things… even if I am the one who says I can’t do it.


I would not have reacted kindly to the prohibition…


Funnily enough, more of that wine was dumped out due to the fact that I would pour a glass and forget about it instead, opting for something a bit more hydrating. I’ve got to get a handle on my bratty ways because there is quite a bit that I am going to have to forgo in order to reach my goals.

I woke up on New Year’s Day excited but kind of confused. I knew what I needed to do I just didn’t know where to begin. As I stood in my kitchen pondering what to eat I looked out the window and saw my good luck charm floating in the air.


I took that as a sign that great things were in store for me this year. Shortly after I made breakfast for Penelope and I before heading for the grocery store.


I didn’t really know where to start at the grocery store. I didn’t want to go overboard buying stuff just because it was healthy. So I just stuck to my staples for when I’m not sure what to make in an attempt at eating clean… veggies to roast and meat to grill.

This first week is going to be the hardest because I’m not going to be allowed to listen to my body until it has undergone a detox. It’s going to tell me I “need” things that will sabotage me until I clean out my system. That is why I’m going 100% for 6 weeks. I need to reset my mind and body.

Working out isn’t hard to me, I enjoy it. The hard part is figuring out what to eat.

Here is a list of my favorite food blogs for picking out simple yummy meals that will help me lose weight.

1. Skinnytaste When I’m first starting out on eating right I usually pick most of my meals from Skinnytaste.com. She has all of the nutrition information readily available. She even calculates Weight Watcher’s points for those of you who use that program.


Anytime I make something healthy and yummy Brent automatically assumes I got the recipe from Skinny Taste because it is so family friendly.

2. Pinch of Yum Lindsay, the blogger of this site doesn’t claim to be a health site. However, she has a love for clean healthy foods. You can tell just by looking at her that she lives a clean balanced life.


Plus, she makes food interesting. I plan making several of her salads during the weekend and turning them into mason jar salads for lunches throughout the week. I also like the way she has her recipes organized, you can find what you are looking for in a snap.

3. Iowa Girl Eats I’ve referred to this blog several times. Once again, Kristin, the blogger is not a “health” blogger but she strives to live a healthy balanced life as well. This means that the majority of her recipes are “diet” friendly.


Kristin is responsible for creating my all time favorite kale salad recipe and my go-to chicken harvest soup recipe as well. Plus, any time I email her with blogger questions (like is it normal for bloggers to get their faces stolen on the internet?) she’s always willing to give me some good advice and support.

Staying motivated is another factor that I have a problem with. I am really good at negotiating. I can justify just about anything. Therefore, it helps me to look outward to other healthy lifestyle bloggers to see how they go about their daily lives. Because lets face it… the only reason you read this blog is because I’m like a cross between your best friend from high school and a pirate. It may not be motivating but it can be entertaining simply because you have no idea what might come out of my mouth (or fingers).

My favorite (Legit) Healthy Lifestyle Bloggers…

1. Kath Eats Real Food Kath is kind of perfect and sometimes it gets on my nerves because… well… I’m not. BUT at the same time I love reading her posts and seeing how she keeps her shit together because she shows that it is possible.


Plus, her life is just so picture perfect you can’t help but enjoy it.

2. Carrots N’ Cake– Tina is another blogger who you kind of want to punch in the face simply because she just had a baby and still has amazing abs. She claims to have been fat at one point but I’m not sure I believe her.


She blogs about her daily life which usually includes balancing motherhood with eating healthy and working out.

3. Fitnessista– This is another blogger who shows you how to go about your daily life in a happy healthy way.


Her husband is in the military and it seems like every time I check in on her she is moving somewhere else. But she always just seems to go with the flow and continues to carry on with her healthy lifestyle.

All of these blogs have aided in helping me gain perspective while I try to lose weight. To be honest, when I have been the most successful I had taken the time to check in on these blogs. They have helped me gain perspective throughout the process.

I hope they help you get motivated for any changes you may hope to make during the New Year!

I’ll be writing a post soon on meal prep… something I’m going to have to conquer since I work full time now.