Tricky Territory

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It’s three o’clock in the morning and I’m sitting in the warm spot on the couch where Scout was sleeping before he heard me sneak down the stairs.

He must have jumped down when he heard me bumbling around in the dark and is currently looking up at me groggily from his new lesser station in life on the floor as I type.

He’s probably wondering when I’ll come to my senses and go back to bed so that he can climb back to his warm forbidden spot.

But it won’t happen, not tonight anyway.

You see, he wasn’t the only one trespassing  throughout the night. Just one hour earlier Penelope had made her way into our bed where she initially snuggled the sucker who invited her in (Brent) and eventually made her way to the soft comfort of her reluctant mother (me).

I’m not going to lie, a part of me likes it too- the sweet warmth from her tiny little body. Then the other part of me (the part that got her boob elbowed five times and her hair pulled twice) just wishes the kid could sleep through the night.

Initially I tried to go back to sleep while I felt her wiggle and grunt next to me. But before I knew it my brain had begun to roil around in my head playing out all kinds of scenarios about life. What I had and hadn’t done, what I wanted to do, what I needed to do.

Apparently I wasn’t the only one pondering life because within the darkness I heard a little voice next to me say, “Mommy, did you know that I’ve never been on a roller coaster ride?” I giggled and made a mental note to take her sooner than later, but refused to fall prey to the conversation that would surely open the door to more sleeplessness.

I eventually put her back to bed, but I had given up any hope that I would ever go back to sleep.

Since going back to work after my surgery, I’ve gotten sucked back into my routine of all work and no play. I had a lot of catching up to do upon my arrival. When I’m not working, I spend my weekends preparing for the next week ahead.

There is no such thing as sleeping in at my house so I usually spend Saturday mornings meal planning and spilling coffee on my planner, while Penelope plays with legos.

After grocery shopping in my pajamas Penelope and I will then usually spend the rest of the morning making home made snacks for the family.

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Brent is in paramedic school now which means he doesn’t work on shift anymore. This also means I have a hungry man in my house at all times. Since packaged foods advertised as unprocessed packaged foods are so expensive I make my own. Here’s what is typically on my weekend repertoire…

1. Chewy No-Bake Cinnamon Cranberry Granola Bars

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Technically, I was only successful making these once. The other two times it wouldn’t stick together. But boy, that one time was tasty enough to make me keep trying until I get it right again.

2. No Bake Energy Bites

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This is Brent’s favorite post-workout snack. It’s also his favorite post-study, post-shower and post-watched-some-TV snack as well.

3. Baked Chicken Breast

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I’ve been roasting up a couple of pounds of chicken every weekend as well. I’ll use it throughout the week in dinners that require cooked chicken, salads for lunch and it also serves as another man snack for Brent who lives off of meat, and meat, and no bake energy bites.

4. Healthy Banana Bread or other muffins.

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I always make a batch of healthy muffins for an easy snack or breakfast for the girls during the week as well. We switch it up every week and use the heart shaped muffin tins that Penelope insisted we buy.

Despite the fact that I’ve been working hard at eating clean I’ve still gained a few pounds in the last month. I’m hoping that it is mostly just me building my leg muscles back up from after my surgery. I didn’t gain a ton of weight post surgery like I was afraid I would but I lost so much muscle mass my legs don’t even look like they belong to me anymore.

My first full week back to work I was scheduled to go to Outdoor Lab which is like a mountain retreat for the sixth graders. This is a right of passage for all of the kids who go to school in my district. I wasn’t cleared to go yet so my Girls on the Run co-coach offered to go for me. This meant I would have to teach her class… P.E.

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I actually had a blast that week “teaching” the kids how to play flag football. However, I wasn’t quite prepared for how to navigate the tricky territory of telling middle schoolers what to do with their balls. I winced every time I caught myself saying phrases like, “Okay guys, hold your balls!”

Bridget is a student assistant during the time that I taught gym and would come and visit me every now and then. I’m also pretty sure she came in to scope out a cute boy or two. So in that case, I did what any self respecting mother would do…

I embarrassed her by taking pictures.

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“Oh. Em. Gee. Mom… What are you doing?!”

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“Ehhhhh… I’m going to act real awkward now.”

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“Just kidding. You can’t make things any more awkward for me. I’m in middle school! Nice try though.

While I was teaching gym the other P.E. teacher told me that they had old spin bikes sitting in a closet that nobody uses. Later on that day I was talking with our facility manager about the bikes and asked if we had one in our make shift teacher lounge gym.

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The next morning I came in to find that they had joined forces and put one of the bikes in my class room to help me with my recovery! Isn’t that the coolest thing ever?!

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The kids think it’s hilarious when I get on it during class discussions. I also thought I could let the kids take turns using it when they need a little brain break. I hop on it during my planning period and check my emails on my iPad on it first thing in the morning.

My limp is almost completely gone now, but I’ve been warned not to over do it for fear of a set back in my recovery. It’s almost been three months since I had my tibial tubercle osteotomy. It’s hard not to be impatient. I’m so ready to be normal again.

A More Effective Quitter

Oh hey… Guess what!

I’m not dead.

Honestly guys, I don’t know what happened. One minute I was stuffing jalepenos in my pants and the next thing I know it’s been nearly two months since my last blog post.

Some of you may not know but I’m a teacher and this year I’m teaching a new grade… again.

So mid-summer I started getting back to work. Since then it has been a juggling balance between spending time with my kids (because the working mommy guilt has set back in) and getting my job done. So the last two months have looked like this…

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There were several times within the past few weeks that I felt compelled to write a blog post. Every time I sat down to write one something else came up. My life has been absolute madness lately. Wildfire season kicked in right about the time that I started working again. Brent has had to work a ton of overtime to cover the guys who have headed out all over the country to fight the wild fires. This week alone he’s on a four day bender.

This blog is a pretty good measure of how much time I’m getting to myself. When I make my health (both mental and physical) a priority I write often. If I’m struggling with making myself a priority the blog suffers.

So… that’s what happened.

In the latter half of the summer I spent a lot of my “time off” moving into another classroom and planning my lessons. I felt guilty when I wasn’t out living it up dog days style, but then I would feel anxious and irresponsible for not preparing for the school year. After spending an afternoon in the classroom I just couldn’t bare to come home and sit in front of the computer to write a blog post while Penelope was begging for me to pay attention to her.

It just felt wrong.

Then school started and the madness really began because Brent was working and I was working…

I’ve been doing a fairly good job of cooking healthy food ahead of time so that I could have healthy lunches. I also rode my bike to school when I could and went for a few sunrise walks with my friend.

One time I actually took the initiative to wake up early and go to a spin class at 5 o’clock in the morning. That didn’t turn out so great…

I came to class pumped up and proud of myself for actually getting my ass out of bed. I positioned myself in the middle of the class where I could see the instructor but wasn’t up front and center. Five minutes into class a lady walked in and hopped on the bike in front of me. Apparently she was meeting a friend. The ladies chatted a bit while we did our warm ups and then they chatted a little louder when the music got louder and then even louder as they really got into what “Pissed them off!” The whole time peddling casually while I tried to listen to the instructor who was telling me to pump up the resistance. Every time the music got loud they got louder. Every time the instructor tried to tell us a witty story during the “down hill” portion they talked over her…

I looked around to see if I was the only one who was irritated by it. By the looks on the faces of the people around me I wasn’t. The instructor was looking at them and I was looking at her urging her to say something… but she didn’t.

Finally after 40 minutes of enduring it I snapped…

“EXCUSE ME!” I blurted out before I actually knew what was coming out of my mouth“Will you please stop talking?” I added in a calmer tone trying to makeup for the bitch that suddenly erupted from my body.

Both women looked back at me and then at each other like I was completely out of line.

“It’s annoying,” I added with finality.

They stopped talking for a while and the other spin class patrons gave me secret smiles glad that someone finally said something. I tried to ignore that it actually happened and get back to my work out but the ladies kept looking back at me and talking about me so that I would hear them in mean girl fashion.

I just stared at them every time they looked around at me all the while thinking, I’m a middle school teacher you can’t intimidate me, I confront assholes on a daily basis.

When class slowed down we were supposed to do stretches. They ignored the stretches the instructor prompted us to do and instead opted for stretches that gave them the opportunity to give me more dirty looks. Finally I had enough and said, “You know, I’m sorry if I came across as a bitch. It’s obvious that I’m not a hardcore athlete, but I woke up at 4:30 this morning to get my vagina murdered by this hard ass seat. And I didn’t do it so that I could hear you bitch about your ex husband.”

They turned around and left me alone the remainder of the time. And I came to the conclusion that it might be best if I didn’t do early morning group fitness…

Despite these efforts over the past few weeks, my pants are still tighter from being in survival mode last year. And they were tight the year prior to that from being in survival mode while I finished my master’s degree and did my student teaching.

I can’t spend my entire teaching career in survival mode while my pant sizes slowly creep up.

Since I’ve started working, my morning runs had slowly been replaced with morning lattes. And when I got home from work my workout clothes were replaced with pajama pants. The weight started to creep up five pounds at first, then ten, then… well, I don’t even know really.

At some point I’m going to have to start from scratch and post my weight with a picture. I haven’t done that yet for three reasons…

1. I’m pretty sure it’s going to hurt my feelings and I will ultimately punish myself for my slip in the health department by gaining another ten pounds.

2. Bridget used to be my before and after photographer. But I don’t feel like it’s a good idea to have her do that anymore since she’s gotten older. Girls are sensitive to these matters and I’m not sure I’m sending her a positive message by obsessing over my weight and then having her take pictures of it.

3. I’m afraid some weirdo is going to steal my before and after pictures again. In fact, I’m pretty sure my face is still lingering out there in google land pushing some weird diet pill. (Still creeped out by that by the way.)

In fact, I was tempted to stop blogging because of it.

BUT I can’t quit writing this blog. I haven’t finished what I’ve started…

I’m one of those people that always wants to quit when the going gets tough, but then I’ll change my mind and decide not to quit.

You could define this as tenacity, but I’m actually more sure that this is just another case of me not being able to follow through properly.

“I quit!… Ugh, nevermind.”

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I don’t know what it is, I just can’t stop trying even if I’m really bad at something.

For Example:

I’m horrible at spelling, yet I’ve earned the right as a Language Arts teacher to issue out spelling tests.

I was a terrible student growing up. In fact, I hated school. I quit college twice, once because I didn’t know what I wanted to be and another time to move to Colorado and get married… only to end up going a third time and finishing with a Master’s Degree.

I was a slow reader as a kid and had a hard time getting into books. My eyes used to twitch when I read. Now I’m known by name at all of the local bookstores within a 15 mile radius of my house because I’m obsessed with reading and known by many as a book nerd.

I’m a “weight loss blogger” whose pants are probably two sizes too tight…

Yeah…. we’ve gotta keep working on that one.

You know, life would be so much easier if I was a more effective quitter. OR maybe I’m just really attracted to contradictions.

So, what are we gonna do about it? I’ve seriously got to figure out the balance between life and work. (If you haven’t noticed yet, I’ve tried this several times.) I’m not just talking about balancing time between my students and my kids. That’s important but I’ve also got to throw in focusing on time with my husband, and focusing on myself and developing who I want to be. That’s four things that need to be up in the air at all times and I won’t rest until I learn how to balance them all.

My plan is to write a blog post at least once a week because this is how I check in with myself mentally. In fact, I kind of forget you guys are there sometimes. Hence, some of the awkward blog posts. (Sorry ’bout that.)

Actually losing weight takes focus and I’ve got to actually focus on it… even if I am SOOOOO tired of talking about it. Honestly, I would really like to quit writing this blog, but I can’t until I figure out how to not gain five pounds every time I’ve had a stressful day.

Until then, I guess you’re just kind of stuck listening to me describe the effort it takes to keep my thighs from eating my shorts. Good luck with that.

Summer Snackin’…

FYI: The title to this post is supposed to be sung to the following song…

Because it’s summer and lets face it… snacking is the same as loving, healthy or not.

Since school has let out I have relished in my freedom via making all of the home-made concoctions I didn’t have time to make during the school year. But once I actually made some of these things I realized that it didn’t really take any time at all and I hope to continue the trend throughout the school year. Because there is something just so satisfying about making home-made products that are healthier, cleaner and not to mention… cheaper.

(Take that you unseen corporate force… damn the man!)

Ahem…

Take for instance this easy home-made hummus

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(My husband is a die-hard Cardinals fan as you can see by the cutting board my sister made him. Therefore, it was only appropriate to serve this hummus with red bell peppers. GO CARDS!)

I had put off making hummus for a long time because I didn’t want to have to buy a ten dollar jar of tahini for something I wasn’t so sure would turn out. Then I stumbled upon a tahini free recipe (link above) and I fell in love. Ingredients include canned chickpeas, lemon juice, garlic, cumin, olive oil and salt.

That’s it. So Good!

I served this when we had an impromptu deck party with some of my fellow teachers and once again when I rode my bike over to my friend’s house for an Outlander watching marathon… (You know, that one time I got called a goddess. No big deal.)

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Being the super host that she is my friend KJ was already prepared with snacks, so we had a feast that night. She even made a strawberry lemonade cocktail that went down like kool-aide. (Needless to say, the bike ride home was a bit interesting. But I digress…)

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In preparation for our festivities I had also managed to sneak over some of my home-made jalapeno yogurt ranch made from herbs in my garden. (Yay me!)

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I wasn’t able to bring much because Brent (the guy who can’t eat anything without a condiment) didn’t want to share. We actually served it with Avocado chicken burgers for dinner one night and it was seriously the yummiest meal. Ever. Brent has taken it a step further and has put it on everything… including eggs.

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(Don’t make fun of my scratched up plates.)

Things kind of turned for the worst nutrition wise the next night we went to one of Brent’s beloved baseball games. We managed to mow through nachos, beer, popcorn and even the saltiest pretzel known to man. But I didn’t let myself feel too bad, because well… when in Rome.

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I did however feel a little hung over the next morning when I woke at five to meet my friend Andrea for one of our morning walks. I don’t know what made be feel worse… the salt or the beer. (Or maybe even the fact that I had partaken in drinking shenanigans two nights in a row. But who’s counting?)

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By the end of the walk I felt so much better, even if I did get rained on and my hands were swollen.

When I got home I tried to sneak in through the back door so that I wouldn’t wake anyone up. On my way in, I passed the strawberry patch and noticed that a lot of my strawberries were already over due for picking, even though Penelope goes through the patch nearly every night.

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When all was said and done I had more strawberries than I knew what to do with so I decided to make jam.

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I don’t know what possessed me. It’s not like I had ever made jam before. But I had remembered stumbling upon a strawberry jam recipe that included chia seeds during the winter months when strawberries were super expensive to buy. I dug through my Pinterest account, passed all of the pins that I had never put to use, and finally found it…

Strawberry Chia Jam

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It turned out awesome! The smell of the simmering strawberries wafted up to Bridget’s room and woke her up from her slumber. She thought it smelled like cotton candy. Then later Brent came home from his walk with the dog and thought I had been toasting marshmallows over the stove again. (What can I say? It happens…)

Later that day, Brent had plans to watch the Cardinals game again, this time with some of his firefighter buddies, and Bridget had an important rendezvous at the pool. That left Penelope and I alone for lunch. I felt like it was only appropriate that we eat Peanut Butter and Jam sandwiches…

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… and s’mores

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Because now that you mention it, toasted marshmallows do smell pretty tasty.

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It’s a work in progress, a little yin for the yang. As long as we keep moving this summer there’s nothing wrong with a little summer snackin’. Amiright?

(Don’t answer that…)

The Happy Way

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Good morning from my back deck. It is both lovely and sort of freezing. When I woke up this morning everything was sprinkled with a sugar coating of snow. But as the sun started to make its appearance so did spring and I couldn’t help myself but to absorb as much of it as I could.

Any other day I would be at school teaching kids. However, my schedule is weird due to standardized testing, so I ended up getting the morning off. The first thing I decided to do was take my neglected dog for a walk.

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“I can’t wait! I think I need to run around the yard ten times. Wait… I SEE A BUNNY!”

Initially this was going to be a run and I’m one of those people who can’t workout without music. But when I stepped outside and heard the early morning sounds of spring I decided to go for a walk instead and just marinate in the moment.

It was beautiful…

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Even the weeds in that trashy neighbor’s lawn were beautiful with the morning sun hitting the dandelions just the right way. (I would probably have a different perspective if they didn’t live five blocks away.)

It’s so nice to have a breather every now and then…

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about slimming down for the summer and I’ve decided to go about it the happy way. I keep trying to pressure myself into getting into hardcore shape up mode for summer. But when I do that it kind of defeats the point. The whole reason I want to live a healthy lifestyle is so that I feel good. If I’m so busy stressing out about numbers on a scale or counting calories or pinching my fat then I’m not really enjoying myself am I?

Where’s the happy in that?

Every summer I naturally tend to lose weight because I’m busy playing outside and plucking fresh foods out of my garden. It just sort of happens. Before I know it my legs are toned, my arms are tan and I’ve gotta permagrin on my face. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to carve out time for myself during my hectic life to simply eat fresh food, play outside and celebrate the beauty of the mundane.

In spirit of this I’m not going to weigh myself again until school lets out and just wait and see what happens. As of today I weighed in at 197.8 pounds. My next weigh in will be on June 1st just to measure where I am because ultimately it doesn’t really matter. I’m going to be flaunting what I’ve got regardless. (If you happen to run into me at the pool… well, bless your little heart.)

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In the mean time, here are a few recipes I’ve run into lately that I’m excited about trying…

Sesame Almond Butter Zucchini Noodle Bowls

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Rainbow Power Salad with Roasted Chickpeas

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Cherry Panzanella Salad

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Healthy Salmon Quinoa Burgers

Salmon Quinoa Kale Burgers with Arugula

5 Ingredient Granola Bars

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14 Smoothies for an Instant Mood Boost

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Have a great day! If you get a chance get outside and play!

Do Over!

World Cup

Can I be honest with you? I’ve been really lame lately I haven’t played outside nearly as much as I would have liked. It’s not even because I’ve been busy watching the World Cup.

I haven’t even watched one game! My former 13 year old self would be seriously disappointed…

Every time I see clips of the games I am reminded of that one awkward summer when sat in my friend’s living room watching the 1993 World Cup. It was during that time, in between swigs of Coke, that I wondered out loud how big their balls were… in front of my friend’s dad. I tried to amend this to make sure that her dad knew that I didn’t actually have any interest in men’s balls… just the size of their balls. The size of the soccer balls not their balls. (Ugh! See?) I tried to stutter myself out of that situation until my friend’s dad just told me to give up. So I did but I’ve been haunted by the experience ever since.

I still wonder to this day what size balls they have… er, use.

I guess I could just Google it and find out but that would make my life even more lame. We didn’t have Google back in 1993 and it’s a good thing because I probably would have tried to find the answer to my poorly worded question through the search engine. Can you imagine the things I would have seen if I had?

Yeah… so… that was an awkward moment we just shared there.

Can I be even more honest with you?

I don’t know why I just told you that story.  I’m supposed to be writing about weight loss and all of that crap but I don’t have anything to say on the subject because there hasn’t been any weight loss happening as of late. I haven’t worked out nearly as much as I would have liked and I’m getting a bit stir crazy.

Every time I plan a trip to the pool after Penelope’s nap the clouds roll in and thwart my plans. With out the magic of my green bathing suit I’m starting to feel a bit yucky about the few pounds I’ve gained. I mean, it’s the constriction of clothing where muffin tops happen. I’d rather be seen naked than in a pair a tight pants.

We ate horrible things on Father’s Day so Brent and I decided to straighten up our act this week.  We had a “Do Over” midway through Monday when we decided that night was our last night to eat bad. We would start fresh on Tuesday. But even after Tuesday rolled around I still struggled with it. I ate really healthy stuff during the first half of the day..

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Including a kale salad that I picked fresh from my garden.

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I took pictures so that I could show you how awesome I was eating my healthy homegrown veggies and all.

Then when I went to put Penelope down for her nap I got bored and start snacking. It started off innocent enough… hummus and veggies, then hummus and chips  came into play and things just got out of control. That’s when I decide that I had already screwed up for the day so I would decide to invoke a new “Do Over”. I told myself that I would start over again on Wednesday. This resulted in finishing off the hummus. After that I had no ambition to cook a decent dinner for anyone because by this point I was too full and ashamed. So the girls ate sandwiches for dinner.

It’s a disgrace I tell you.

This is how I end up getting fat in the first place…. this whole shame spiral. I think it might be some sort of mental defect. It just doesn’t even make sense.

Today has been different (so far) I’m in a space where I feel the need to shed some weight again. I’m ready to buckle down and commit to slimming down a bit more. Unfortunately, I have found myself in that beginning space again. That space where you have to fight all of your mental demons before you can fully carry through with your plans. Once I get started I’m usually golden. It’s just a matter of getting over the whole “Do Over” tactic.

Another struggle I have is with patience. I want results immediately.

When I was out watering my garden this morning I was looking at two little green tomatoes surrounded by little yellow flowers and I felt the same impatience bubble up.

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“Hurry up and grow… I want to eat you!”

Gardening and losing weight have a lot in common. You have to put forward a ton of energy and effort in for a long time before you see the results you are looking for. The hardest part is having  the faith that things will turn out the way you want them to in the end.

That being said, after you have spent some time dedicating yourself to the effort you will begin to enjoy the process. You’ll notice the changes and you will work even harder because you like seeing the progress. I’ve gotten there with the garden now I just have to do the same with my weight loss… again.

It’s all about perspective. If I had seen myself looking the way that I do now when I first started this blog I would have done a little happy dance. At the same time if, I weighed this much five years ago I would have cried. (What a weirdo.)

What’s the moral of this story? Never be curious about balls when you are in the company of your friend’s dad.

Nope, nope that’s not the one.

The moral? Stay away from the “Do Over”… IT’S A TRAP! This is just your lame way of making yourself feel better for not following through with the promises you have made to yourself.

P.S. The answer is 5. They use size 5 balls. This is the regulation size for age 12 and over. So that means they had the same size balls as I did when I was 13. I think that’s what I really wanted to know.