Yesterday was kind of rough. Penelope has a cold and Brent was working so that means that mommy didn’t get to go to the gym.

After I put Penelope to bed I was exhausted even though I had barely left the house. I hadn’t been able to take a shower or clean my house. I just kind of felt like a failure for being able to accomplish nothing but keeping my infant alive.

I wanted to sit down on the couch and get lost in some sort of mindless tv while I ate a pint of ice cream. I couldn’t though, I had a few emails I needed to check for school but as a habit I got on Facebook. As soon as I logged on this picture was the first thing I saw…


My initial reaction was… “Great! Another muscled up hot chick who can feel free to fling her hair around in reckless abandon to show off her six-pack abs because she’s never had the pleasure of encountering pregnancy induced hemroids.”

Even though the picture kind of pissed me off I stared anyway. Then I saw the name of the Facebook page advertising this photo… Kellfire.

Holy Crap, that’s my friend Kelly! I didn’t recognize her because she’s usually got her hair awkwardly sticking out of headgear while she’s practicing jujitsu with the fighters at Factory X.

She and her husband own Performance MMA and Performance Labs where she offers personal training and nutrition counseling. Oh… and she has three boys. So, I was totally off on that whole reckless abandon thing. I have always idolized her simply because she chases after her goals without fear and somehow manages to run businesses and raise three kids at the same time.

I knew she was fit but… DAMN!

Kelly and I met about four years ago when we did Muay Thai together at Factory X. We partnered up a lot to hold pads and became quick friends. That is until she asked to be my Facebook friend and I discovered that this was her profile picture…

mean kelly

At that moment I wasn’t so sure I wanted to hold pads for her anymore. Just to give you an idea, this is what my profile picture looked like at the time…


“You guys want some cupcakes?”

Over time I got to know Kelly even better and discovered that she was pretty awesome. She’s written a book about working out during pregnancy and she did her best to help me while I was pregnant. She would send my husband sneaky recipes to try to get me to keep eating protein since I was too sick  to eat anything of nutritional value. She also taught a cardio kickboxing class that I went to until my uterus got too big.

After I had Penelope I was a mess. I was trying to breastfeed but I was having so many complications from the hormonal imbalances from just giving birth and PCOS. I wanted to lose weight but was scared of what that might do to my milk supply. Kelly breastfed all three of her boys so I turned to her for constant advice.

During this time she created a meal plan for me. Once a week she emailed me a list of recipes and types of foods. She told me what to eat and when to eat it. When she works with a client she gathers all of your information and measurements, including when you get your period and she develops plans meant just for you. She keeps constant council with you and makes adjustments accordingly.

She provided me the meal plan and the tools I needed to be successful and I got down to 203 shortly after. (Two pounds lower than I am today after two months of weight loss blogging.)

But I wasn’t ready for it. I was suffering from a significant dose of postpartum depression and I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around anything. I felt ashamed and overwhelmed.

I stopped doing what Kelly was telling me to do and I felt like I was the worst friend ever. She had put in so much work and invested so much interest to my success. All that she wanted was for me to believe in myself… but I just couldn’t do it.

Obviously, things have changed. If you look through the first posts of this blog you can see me still struggling. The hardest part about weight loss is the mental aspect. If you aren’t mentally prepared it’s not going to work. A lot of the time people feel like they’ve failed when they struggle. It’s important to realise that this is part of the whole process. Struggling is part of the journey. If you accept your short comings and refuse to give up despite them then you are destined for success.

What I’ve discovered is that when you screw up it isn’t the picking yourself up part that is hard. It’s laying on the ground acknowledging that you just fell that sucks the most. You can awkwardly lay there and hope that nobody noticed your trip up or you can simply acknowledge it, have a laugh and get up knowing that it won’t be the last time that you fall.

I feel like I am finally mentally ready for the changes that are taking place. Does that mean I won’t screw up? No. I’m gonna screw up but I’ll be okay with it and carry on.

You can tell when I have used the methods Kelly has taught me because that is when I have good weigh-ins.

Every time I get lazy and try to find an easier way and stray, my weight stays stagnant.

I mean, the woman knows what she is talking about…

sexy kelly

She works with the professional fighters at Factory X to help them cut weight for their fights without losing their muscle mass. But her favorite clients are the moms who are looking to find themselves again.

She loves helping women find their strength, not only on the outside but on the inside too. She gets a thrill out of helping someone realise what they are capable of.

After seeing Kelly’s Kellfire facebook page and looking at her hottie pictures I had a renewed sense of motivation.

I went into the bathroom and ripped off my shirt before getting in the shower. I looked passed the smudged mascara and dirty hair and I flexed my muscles… and I saw her. That girl who is waiting to come out.

As the steam covered my reflection in the mirror I knew that somewhere underneath the stretch marks and fluffy skin that I’ve got a six-pack just like Kelly’s. She believes it is possible to uncover so why shouldn’t I?

I asked Kelly if she could provide her services at a distance just in case any of you were interested and she said that she could definitely do that.

So there you have it folks. If you are looking for someone to light a fire under your ass she’s your gal… Kellfire.

You can find out more information about her at You can also check out my very first failed attempt at a weight loss blog on her site 😉

Call me crazy because here I am trying again… so goes the theme of my life.

See you tomorrow on weigh-in day!

Syncronized Babies


I don’t know if you know this but as a blogger you can see what kind of search engine terms people have used to find your blog. So far the strangest ones are… “butt pee” and “burger slapped”.

I have no idea what I have been talking about for the past few months that has led to being summed up by those two terms.

Burger slapped I can get… this is a weight loss blog after all. You don’t get fat without getting slapped by a burger or two. However, butt pee has got me stumped.

I can also see which pictures have been clicked on most frequently. It turns out, the pictures that make me cringe the most get the most hits. Like my fatty mug shot…


I never know what picture it is that people are looking at until I click on the link. Every time this picture pops up I give a little startled “Ah!…Eww.”

However, it was that picture that kept me on track all day today… even though I wanted to cheat SO bad.

After I put Penelope to bed I really wanted to slather butter crackers in peanut butter and top it off with mini chocolate chips and mini marshmallows. I wanted to pop it in the oven until the marshmallows got all toasted and gooey and then top them off with more crackers to turn it into an ooey sandwich supreme.

It sounds like I’ve had this before right?

I’ve never had it… I thought it was crazy that my brain could thoroughly examine the naughtiest items in my pantry and put them all together within a millisecond just to torture me. Why can’t my brain assess the healthy stuff that is about to go bad and come up with delicious recipes that way?

I am creative in all aspects of my life except for the kitchen…I’m a recipe follower not a maker. When you suffer from this lack of culinary creativity you have to be organized in order to get a successful dinner on the table. Well guess what? I’m not organized. I try to be but I’m not…. not by a long shot.

Now my friend Andrea… she’s organized, and artistic, and funny. I would hate her if she weren’t so loveable.

Our girls are only a month apart and their nap times are always conflicting, making it difficult for Andrea and I to get together. Only recently after weeks of planning did we finally manage to have a play date at Barnes and Noble. Penelope ripped things off the selves, Lucy cuddled and Andrea and I  decided that we needed to synchronize our babies so that we could hang out more.


Since she is the organized one, I asked her to share her tricks with me and later that day I saw that she had emailed me her schedule. (You can scroll down to the bottom to find the infant daily schedule and her weekly schedule.)

At first I thought she wrote Lucy’s schedule for me on the spot, that day. It was so thorough and organized… basically all of the things that I’m not that I really started to feel inadequate.Then I realised that it was intended for her nanny before she decided to be a stay-at-home mom/photographer/early child counselor… (yes, there was another job in there somewhere until she dropped it.)

Yeah, yeah, we get it… she’s awesome. Compared to her I’m a mess, but somehow we compliment each other.

Andrea and I met when we were both competing for the same preschool teacher job. During the interviews the director kept going on and on about how much she loved me… but she also loved this other candidate. She kept saying that she had no idea how she was going to choose between us.

My initial thought was…”Pshhh, there is no way she is better than me. She can’t be that awesome.”

Well as fate would have it we both ended up getting the job and we were to be teaching partners. When I met Andrea it became apparent that we were pretty much opposites.

She was tidy, I was messy. She ate veggies, I ate burritos. She liked calm, I liked chaos. But we had one thing in common. We had inherited the worst preschool class that ever was inherited. Both of the previous teacher’s quit midway through the year and I don’t think it was a coincidence.

It didn’t take long for us to join forces… we knew we were out numbered.

Andrea did her child psychology/organizational thing and I animatedly read Miss Nelson is Missing (but replaced Miss Nelson with Miss Nina). I had the kids totally convinced that Ms. Viola Swamp was going to end up taking over the class if they didn’t stop kicking our shins…

Ms. Viola Swamp

When they were particularly bad I would gasp and pretend like I saw her peeking through the window like she was just waiting to take over the class… don’t worry they loved it. Okay, so one kid go scared but I let her in on the secret and then she loved it too. We would give each other sly winks during the day to indicate that we had a little secret.

Before we knew it the classroom was organized yet covered in art and filled with music. The kids loved us and so did the parents. Together we were a success!

During that year we found out that we actually had a ton in common. I am so thankful for that rag-tag group of students for pulling us together.

The next year we were both pregnant and we taught together side by side, pregnant belly to pregnant belly. Literally…It really is awkward being pregnant and then trying to slide by another pregnant belly in a small classroom. There were a lot of involuntary belly bumps going on.

Lucy and Penelope were destined to be best friends! Now… if only we could get them to nap at the same time.

Andrea’s Weekly Routine

Mondays – Clean house, Meal Plan
Tuesdays – work on business; sometimes Outing day (mall, bookstore, etc.)
Wednesdays – Marketing and home projects, Denver Public Library Day
Thursdays – play with Nina, Odd jobs, mini-cleaning day (sweep, clean toilets, wipe off mirrors in Master bath), Jeffco Public Library Day
Fridays – Bake/Mass cooking, project day (crochet, scrapbook, work on albums, decorating etc.); Walk to and play at park day
Saturdays – what ever
Sundays – Laundry (but Jon actually does this – I watch from the couch while watching Friends =), change all sheets on beds

Lucy’s Daily Routine 

**Eat – Play – Nap

7:00/30 am: Wake up; Nurse 

7:30: Change Diaper, Get dressed 

7:30 – 8:15: Play Time 

8:15/30: Breakfast 

9:00/30: Nap Time

Routine: take upstairs, change diaper, give pacifier, turn 

  Piano music and read a few books until she shows she 

  Is ready for her crib; lay down or rock until asleep. 

11:00/11:30: Wakeup, Nurse 

11:30 – 12:30 Play time  

12:30pm – Lunch time  

1:00 – 2pm: Play Time

Wednesdays/Thursdays – Library Days

Daily – Walk outside 30 mins. Or so

Fridays – Play at the Park 

2:00/2:15pm – Nap Time

Go through same routine as for morning nap 

4:00/4:30: Wakeup, nurse

** Do not let her sleep past 4:40 or 4:45pm or she won’t sleep at night  

4:30:  5:30: Play time  

5:30:  Veggie snack in kitchen 

6:00: dinner Time 

6:30 – 7pm: Play Time 

7:00: Bath and Bed Time


Bedtime Routine: 

*Give Bath; towel is on hook in bathroom

*Dress her in footed sleeper

*Put on double stuffed diaper w/ fleece insert and lots of

  diaper rash cream. 

* Zip her up into her sleep sack and give pacifier

* Turn out Ocean Sounds 

* Read a short story

* Turn out Lights and turn on Lady Bug Night Light

* Nurse (give bottle)

* Usually we lay her down awake when she seems calm

* If she cries, give her 10-15 mins., then go up and pat her

    back and give her her pacifier again. 


Lucy really doesn’t snack between meals. She can always have water – otherwise please keep to the feeding routine.  


Typically she goes down easily for naps and bedtime. On the off chance that she doesn’t, here is what we do.

* Let her cry 15-20 minutes.

* If it is Naptime, go up and give her a pacifier (she’ll have spit it out) and pat her back – don’t pick her up. If she still seems like she’s not calming down, pick her up and see if she needs a diaper change. Change her diaper if necessary. Put back down and pat back until calm. (You may also rock her in the glider for 5 minutes or so but sometimes she will think this is playtime.)Then leave.

Usually after this process, she may cry for 5 more minutes or so but will eventually go to sleep. If she cries for 30 minutes or more, give up. She’s not having it. =)

If it is Bedtime, give her closer to 20 minutes, then go back up and give her her pacifier and pat her back until she’s calm. Usually it doesn’t help at all to pick her up during bedtime. Just let her cry it out after 1 trip up. We usually say “Ok Lucy, now it’s time to sleep. Mommy and Daddy are close by but we aren’t going to come back in again. We’ll see you in the morning.” And that’s that. Bedtime is firmly kept. 

Week 8 Weigh-in


If you couldn’t tell from my post The Brattiest Brat There Ever Was I spent the majority of the week all discombobulated … spiralling down a whirlpool of guilt over my love affair with sugar.

Fortunately, that didn’t last very long because when I woke up this morning, I felt completely indifferent to what was about to go down on the scale. I was fairly certain that I had done some damage to my hard earned success but at the same time I was kind of cool with it.

So, I was surprised when I saw that I weighed in at 206.8.

This was far better than I had anticipated. This is only  .6 pounds off from my lowest weight since starting the blog.

I basically had a free day from Thursday-Tuesday. That’s almost a whole week off.

A part of me feels like I should fake disappointment just for your benefit. I am writing a weight loss blog after all… shouldn’t the weight keep going down?

Strangely, I am at a loss of any kind of guilt or self loathing. I just don’t have it in me to hate myself today because the truth is… I feel pretty awesome.

How did your week go?

The Pee Pee Dance

I’m so confused… after having two not so great weigh-in’s in a row I told myself that I was going to up my calorie intake to what is recommended for my current weight to see if my metabolism has slowed down. I did that for about two days. Then, I got a big slap in the face this weekend when Brent hung up my Lululemon hoodie and turned to me and said, “Are you ready for this?”

For those of you who haven’t read Operation Lululemon, my husband and I have a bet as to whether or not I can zip my jacket up by Valentine’s Day. If I can, then I get to go shopping for more Lululemon attire. If I can’t then he get’s something. I’ve only got two weeks to win this challenge. Now is not the time for science experiments!

What do I do?! I can’t plateau anymore but I don’t want to waste time trying to figure out what is going on. This is so weird because a few months ago I would have jumped at the chance to have an excuse to eat more. But I’m on a roll and don’t want to screw that up. Most importantly, I want to kick my husband’s butt!

Speaking of butt kicking…

I met up with my friend at Crossfit Bodywerx today for a round of “Brent is mad at me for stealing the covers last night so I must suffer”. Take note… if you can help it NEVER let your spouse be your personal trainer. My problem is that my husband is just so blasted good at it that I just can’t help myself.

I tried to get Brent to take pictures while we worked out but he told me he was my trainer not my photographer… Well excuse me Mr. Big Trainer Pants!

Here is the workout and the terrible pictures that he did manage to take…


(The following were done down one end of the gym and back again.)

Toy Soldiers

Spider Lunges

10 air squats

Using a medicine ball as a spotter to help you focus on form

3×5 barbell back squat

Once again going light and focusing on form


Holding the bar hurt Morgan’s shoulder so she did it with a kettlebell behind her back.


(workout of the day)

 Part 1: The Butt

 3 rounds of 20 walking lunges and penguin walks


You look really special while doing this but it KILLS your butt.


Here I am lunging… well, that actually looks more like the pee pee dance. Let’s try that again.


Oh brother, that seriously looked so much better in my head.

This is the point where Brent informed me that he was not the photographer. After looking at the pictures I’m pretty sure he just knew he wasn’t any good at it. But Penelope thought it was rude…


At this point I was too tired to care and we weren’t done by a long shot.

Part 2: The Tummy

Tabata Intervals


flutter kicks

twisting med ball tosses (5 burpees for each time you drop it)

Part 3: The lungs

Three rounds of shuttle runs and 15 russian kettle bell swings

We had to do these as fast as possible. My times were 28 seconds, 25 seconds and 24 seconds.

After that workout I didn’t care how many calories I ate just as long as I got some food in my belly. I’m still a little confused but I’m going to try not to overthink it. If I’m hungry I’ll eat a little more if I’m not I’ll eat a little less. All I know is that I better be able to zip up that hoodie without looking like a ten pound sausage in a five pound casing.

Mom Jeans


I think I just might be a stress ball.

I know you’re probably tired of hearing about my sleep patterns but I woke up at 3 this morning worried… about everything. The whole thing started when I got a notice about my student loans that are going to be due as soon I finish my grad degree. I’m getting my master’s in education and soon I’m going to have to do my student teaching. That means I’m going to have to work for free for a semester while I pay for daycare for Penelope. It’s not really the money that has got me stressed out (even though that will be expensive) it’s the separation that has got me all wound up.

I have the luxury of staying home with her right now and I feel like I’m wasting this precious time by counting down the minutes to bedtime. I’m struggling with finding the balance at home. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I add a job to the mix.

Then I start to think about Bridget and how she will be in sixth grade soon and before I know it she won’t want anything to do with me.

In The Sun and The Moon I shared my story about how my mom died when I was in the third grade and as a kid I was never mad at her for what she did. I never felt sorry for myself or felt like I deserved any special attention. In fact I felt like such a weirdo when people tried to give it to me. As a kid you just deal with things without really thinking about it and carry on. It wasn’t until I held Bridget for the first time that I felt how significant that loss was.

The dead of winter is always hard for me, I always kid around and say that I’m like a flower, I wilt in the winter and bloom in the summer. One particular winter two years ago I went into a tailspin. I couldn’t figure out why I was so sad. Then in the middle of the night I broke down and cried harder than I have ever cried in my life. Brent just held me while I writhed and sobbed.

After I calmed down Brent and I were talking and it struck me that Bridget was in the exact same grade that I was in when my mother took her life. From a mother’s perspective that was hardly enough time to spend with your child. I couldn’t imagine Bridget ever having to go through what I did and it made me sad for the little girl who lost her mom twenty years earlier. I was mourning that little girl’s loss.

It wasn’t until I talked to my Dad later that week that I realized that I had my meltdown on the 20th anniversary of her death. I didn’t even know the actual date of her death until then. It was secretly ingrained in me, that bond between mother and daughter unbroken after so many years.

I have now officially been a mother longer than my mom was. Now, more than ever, I understand that my mom didn’t leave me because she didn’t love me. She left because she didn’t feel like she was good enough. What she didn’t know was that no mom feels like they’re good enough. We’ll always strive to be the best that we can be. But we won’t be perfect and we’ll always fall short of the ideal we have set in our head. That’s something we have to learn to accept and there will be many nights when we’ll stay up in the night worrying about it.

No wonder there is such a thing as “mom jeans”. I don’t think we can blame this phenomenon on the denim. I think it’s a side effect of the psychological stress of the mommy guilt that comes with motherhood.

We pass it down from generation to generation like the Sisterhood of the Mommy Pants. Only they’re never flattering and they fit absolutely no one. But we keep on wearing them to cover up  our stretch mark etched mommy pooches like a badge of honor.

That is, until we loose enough baby weight to wear a designer pair.