Turf Wars and Mom Fails


Can we please just take a moment to talk about how I’m a failure as a mother before we discuss my weight?

M’kay? Thanks…

Lets start with the first transgression, Girl Scout cookies.

I hate them. I hate them with all of my being. When Bridget was little I thought it was the cutest thing, bundling her up and taking her door to door.


I mean… look at that cute little face. You would do it too.

It took a few years for the fun to fade and the realization that it isn’t really my Girl Scout selling the cookies but me.

Wait a minute…I’ve already got a job, thanks.

I know, I’m such and asshole.

Every year I can’t help but envision rivaling minivans filled with moms wearing their game faces speeding off to pick up the cookies so they can beat the other troups in sales. I see girl scouts having turf wars and all of a sudden something that started out innocent and adorable had turned into something ugly and distasteful. (Even if it is tasty.)

I soon realized that standing outside of grocery stores, knocking on doors, hustling on Facebook and hitting up my co-workers wasn’t really my thing.


Okay, so maybe I’m not really sorry.

Once I started to come to this realization I would feel guilty for not pulling my share of the cookie sales so I would buy a butt load of cookies for the cause, and then I would eat them.

But I’m not even doing that this year, and it makes me an even bigger asshole. (Even though my ass may end up smaller due this decision.)

Bridget is sorely disappointed in me and I understand that. My suburban street cred has seriously taken a hit due to my lack of girl scout cookie selling participation. I’m sure if I were to walk into a PTA meeting I would be shunned, but I kind of don’t care. And I’m still debating on whether I should feel bad about that or not.

I’m still on the fence on whether I’m just being lazy or drawing a healthy boundary.

The jury is still out…

The next transgression is swim team.

Bridget is not the most athletic of children. She has inherited the clumsy gene. It’s so bad that I actually thought she had an inner ear problem or something.

I always wonder where she got this from and then I’ll think of my sister. She’s tall, lean and beautiful. She’s also known for her fantastic fashion sense. In high school she would wear stilettos with her size tiny jeans. She would park her car at school (even though we lived three blocks away) and strut her stuff across the parking lot only to trip and find herself bleeding on the asphalt.

So… apparently it’s a family trait.


(Actual picture taken from my sister’s Facebook page… love you Aly!)

 Bridget has tried many sports, but they were never quite the right fit until she stumbled upon swimming. She is literally a fish out of water. As soon as she slips into the pool she is graceful and powerful. It’s a beautiful thing to see.

3447_4919464905273_1415578607_n 291703_4920095201030_561050856_n 625433_10200985571502324_1433484728_n 10460578_10204075518909078_7106957335348585427_o-2

Swimming for Bridget has been a labor of love. She has tried to quit several times, but we wouldn’t let her. She’s shied away from the competition and has only participated in a few swim meets over the past few years. Recently, she has really started to get into it and was signed up for her first swim meet in a long time this weekend.

I completely failed today because I didn’t take her to it. The meet was supposed to take place during a massive snow storm that they have been predicting all week long. Swim meets take about half a day to complete and I was concerned that the drive home would be treacherous. (In other words I’m a wimp.)

I’m from Texas. Snow and Texans don’t mix. My husband however, works in the mountains. He spends 9 months of the year navigating through snow. We would have been just fine.

Bridget grasped on to my lack of enthusiasm for going and decided not to participate in the swim meet. I felt horrible. I completely lead her astray. I derailed everything she is supposed to have learned from sports- team work and dedication.

We woke up this morning and there was barely a dusting of snow.

I regretted my decision instantly. Then Bridget’s girl scout troup leader, whose daughter is a good friend of Bridget’s and also on the same swim team, texted me asking if we were coming because the coach was looking for her.


I felt even worse. The prediction of an abundance of snow had prompted our local school district to close down all of their facilities for the weekend. I thought there was a possibility that the swim meet would be canceled as well. It wasn’t.

PARENT FAIL #2- Someone please take my mom card away from me.

I felt so bad I woke Bridget up to make her take a walk with me in the snow to talk about how I’ve taught her horrible lessons on not following through with commitments. But she didn’t want to go for a walk. She had cramps. Turns out my decision to not take her to the swim meet saved her from the embarrassment of having to endure the curse of womanhood in a bathing suit surrounded by spectators.

Mom card returned.

So Penelope and I went on a walk together instead.


I’m currently working on mommy transgression number three, my lack of enthusiasm for potty training…

Phew! Now that we have established that I will not be invited to play bunco with the other moms let’s move on to why we are all here. We all want to see if I can actually get my shit together and lose some weight.

Because according to this “suggested post” from Facebook, I’m fat.


Can you believe the insinuation!? I’ve slapped a hoe for less. Just kidding, I don’t know any hoes. In fact, I’m not even sure I know how to spell hoe.

Anyway, I am proud to say that when I stepped on the scale today I weighed in at 199.2. This is exactly three pounds down from last week! We’re going to ignore the fact that I weighed this a few weeks ago but gained it back. In fact, let’s forget I even mentioned it.

Damn it Facebook! You know me so well!

They’re not pigtails… they’re cat ears (Week 4 weigh-in)


Is it just me or did January just fly by?

Before I knew it, it was time to take my monthly pictures again. I found myself standing in my friend, Andrea’s living room again wearing those tight yoga shorts that emphasize every physiological flaw in my derriere. (Which… for the record I would never wear to an actual yoga class. Nobody wants to see that down dog.)

In other words, I had been dreading this day all month long. I am fairly certain the result is going to hurt my feelings.

I took my “before” pictures shortly after Christmas and I still haven’t seen them. Taking before pictures isn’t that big of a deal because you are supposed to look like crap. (Even if it is your second round of “before” pictures.) But today was my first progress picture.

What if you couldn’t see the progress?

I couldn’t help but feel nervous when I pulled up to Andrea’s house.

When I asked her to take these photos for me I thought I would be super comfortable with it since I talk to her about anything/everything. But somehow when I looked up at her, masked by her super expensive camera, I couldn’t help but feel the awkward 13 year old that will forever remain embedded in my soul start to make an appearance. I just kind of froze in front of the camera forgetting to flex my ab muscles in an attempt at not sucking in my gut. I couldn’t help it I just felt self-conscious and in my frozen stupor I just let it all hang out.

I haven’t felt that self-conscious in a long time. Over the years I’ve kind of adopted an attitude of self acceptance. I really like who I am and I’ve decided that it doesn’t matter if you agree but as far as I’m concerned… I’m pretty awesome.


But for some reason, today, when I donned those ugly shorts all of the confidence vanished.

Everyday when I see my middle schooler’s roam the halls emanating their prepubescent self-aware-but-not-really-aware awkwardness I can sometimes feel myself silently willing them to love themselves. Why can’t you see what I see?! I will silently scream at them.

Yet, there I was today trembling in my booty shorts…

What gives?

I still haven’t seen the results of those photos. Andrea is taking the time to add a watermark to ensure that my pictures don’t get stolen again. I’ll be posting the result sometime this weekend. Honestly, I don’t mind putting it off while she edits them. I will pretty much do anything to stall on that 🙂

When I weighed in this morning I had no idea what to expect. This week was all over the map. On Saturday I woke up in the worst mood. I just couldn’t shake it. So instead of glaring at my family all day long I decided to head outside for a nice long run to see if I could improve my spirits. It was really cold outside but the time to myself was worth all of the shivering.


After that run I quickly realized that I was in such a rotten mood due to the fact that I was exhausted. For the rest of the day I was completely useless. I had the hardest time keeping my eyes open. For the remainder of the day I was only capable of snuggling under blankets and watching movies. I didn’t even have the energy to eat and subsisted off of homemade popcorn and earl grey tea.


I kept trying to caffeinate myself awake, but even that didn’t work. I started to worry that I was seriously getting sick or that I was pregnant because I hadn’t felt that fatigued in a long time. I went to bed at seven that night.

The next morning I woke up just as the sun made its appearance. As the sun streamed through the windows the fog had lifted and I was ready to make up for lost weekend time.

We started off the day with big sticky bowls of oatmeal and headed straight for the book store in remembrance of our old farmer’s market/ book store excursions we used to take when the weather was warmer. The farmer’s market isn’t ready yet, but the book store always is…


In the mean time, Penelope has decided that she is a pirate named Jake. (She got this from the cartoon Jake and the Neverland Pirates.) While we were at the book store she made friends with a little boy and their introductions sounded like this:

Boy- “Hi, my name is Ezra. What’s your name?”

Penelope- “I’m Jake!”

Boy- “Uh… Jake is a boy name and you are a little girl.”

Penelope- “I’m not a girl. I’m a boy.”

Boy- “But you have braids, so you are a girl.”

Penelope- “They’re not braids.”

Boy- “I mean pigtails, you have pigtails so you are a girl.”

Penelope- “Those aren’t pigtails. They’re cat ears.”

Boy- “Oh (?)…”

After an hour they were best friends, so I ended up exchanging phone numbers with his mom. We went home just long enough to fill up on some chicken harvest soup and headed out again to play at the park and fit in another run…


It was absolutely beautiful outside! The kids were giggling, the dogs were barking and the kites were dangling in the air. We just couldn’t bare to go inside… so we didn’t.

10382971_10205744689997312_7084244121086921521_n  10945767_10205742305297696_8592830687207255741_n

We stayed to chase remote control cars and feed the ducks. The whole time Penelope introduced herself as Jake to all of her new friends. We didn’t dare go inside until the sun slipped behind the mountains.


It was beautiful for the remainder of the week. After work we went on family bike rides and I was even crazy enough to go for a sunrise walk and talk with my friend Andrea on the same day that I had parent/teacher conferences. Fifteen hours later when I got home from work I was super tired, but decided the sunrise was worth it.


I felt a lot of mommy guilt for working so much, so when I got home from work yesterday I snuggled the girls and watched more movies. Penelope was super clinging and fell asleep on my chest. As we lied there I could feel her temperature creeping up. You could tell that she was feeling under the weather, so I didn’t leave the couch all evening. That night we all tucked in and watched Mr. Peabody and Sherman.


Later that night when I tucked her into bed I kissed her forehead and said, “Good night Penelope.”

She said, “I’m not Penelope.”

“I’m sorry… Goodnight Jake.”

“I’m not Jake. I’m Sherman.”

“Okay, good night Sherman.”

She whispered, “Goodnight Mr. Peabody.”

She was feverish all night and I had to get up a couple of times with her throughout the night. I felt tired and hung over this morning when I woke up. I stumbled into the bathroom and stripped down for the weigh in. I had no idea if I would lose any weight. I was trying to be as quiet as possible so that I wouldn’t wake Penelope up. The scale creaked under my feet and read 200.4. So close to being under that dreaded 200 pound mark! I’m down 1.6 pounds from last week and eleven pounds in a month.

Who knows, maybe we will see a difference when I get my photos back.

As I stepped off the scale and started to put my clothes back on I heard a little voice across the hallway say…

“Mr. Peabody! I’m awake now!”

“Okay Sherman… I’m coming.”


Weekly Weigh-in #2


I missed you.

This week was crazy. As a 7th grade Language Arts teacher there are four times during the school year when I have to grade a massive project and this was one of those times. I kept taking pictures throughout the week in the hopes that I would have time to write up a quick post but it never happened. Instead, I opted for reading “If You Give a Moose a Muffin” and making greek-yogurt-blueberry-muffins with Penelope.

For the entirety of the week my friends hadn’t heard from me, my toddler cried when I went to the bathroom because she thought I was leaving for work, and most of my morning workouts had been replaced with early morning grading sessions.

That being said, I have still managed to sneak in a few workouts. One afternoon the weather was warm enough to hit the path for an afternoon run. I couldn’t go home to change because Penelope was waiting for me and would have flipped out if I left again. And I couldn’t change at school because… well, it just feels too weird changing anywhere in the vicinity of my students. So I changed in the Barnes and Noble bathroom. The problem is I forgot to take off my nerdy teacher glasses before I took off running.


The ride home was a bit hazy.

The week started off great with a nice Sunday walk to the coffee shop. (I ordered a simple non-fat latte thankyouverymuch.)


The problem is we had to pass one of my schools was on the way there. As we walked I thought about the World War II pictures I promised the kids I would bring in for the unit… and all of the grading I had to do… and all of the copies I had to make… and. Okay, I’ll stop.

So that afternoon while Penelope was taking her “rest” time I headed to work to get some stuff done.

10934116_10205648046581287_8187461524680363986_o  1979990_10205646886952297_5072508588973520737_o

There is something about being alone in an abandoned dark building during a cloudy yucky day that makes you glad that you brought a hammer with you.

I spent so much time planning my upcoming unit that I didn’t really have time to meal plan. I did a quick peek through the pantry and the refrigerator to make sure I had enough healthy stuff on hand and called it good. Despite the fact that I was super busy and slightly stressed out I still managed to stay on track all week long. I didn’t have one pity me sugar latte, or a I’m too busy to pack my lunch burrito… not even once.


All of my hard work for the week paid off. My students love the new unit I’m teaching, my pants don’t feel like they are slicing me in half, and I got to go on a nice walk and talk with my friend around a frozen lake while we watched the sun rise this morning.


Life is good!

Although… there was a creeper on the path with us who just stared at me when I chirped a “Good Morning!” The trail we walked on was close to a retirement community and I’ve made several senior citizen friends over the years running that trail…

That guy wasn’t one of them.

My friend Andrea and I decided that it might be best if we just walked a tad bit faster. And I plotted how I was going to escape his grasp if he just so happened to be a psycho.

FYI: My strategy is to act bat shit crazy… When I was a teenager and was paranoid about peeping toms I decided that if someone were outside my window there wouldn’t be any hiding under the covers. Instead, I would leap to the window throw up the curtains and scream like a maniac that wants to eat someone’s face.

Nobody’s gonna mess with that.

(I’m seeing a pattern of paranoia going on here, but we’re just going pretend like it’s not weird and just go with it.)

Anyway, I digress because the hammer nor my scare tactics were needed throughout the week.

But my weight loss strategies worked so that’s pretty awesome! I weighed in 3 pounds less than last week at 203 vs. the 206 from last week. That’s down 8.4 pounds after two weeks!

Yay me!

Enough about me, how did your week go? Run in to any psychos? Lose any weight?

5 Fundamentals of Weight Loss Success

I think weight loss could possibly be one of the biggest mind games you can play in your lifetime. I have been on several spectrums of this game…

I’ve been lost.

I’ve been defeated.

I’ve been confused.

I’ve been overconfident.

I’ve been overwhelmed.

I’ve been lazy.

I’ve been successful…

IMG_0795photo 5


What no one tells you that there is no finish line. You. are. never. finished.

This might disappoint some of you but I’ve learned a lot through the process of struggling publicly with my weight. And the truth is there are great rewards to be found within the process. The happiest I’ve ever felt is while I’m on a journey to better myself. Whether it be school, health, motherhood… There is something to be said for the striving part of the process because your strength hides within the struggle.


Life is full of ups and downs and unfortunately my body weight tends to fluctuate with those highs and lows. (The fact that people actually read this blog leads me to believe that I’m not alone.) In all truth, I haven’t actively tried to lose weight for about a year. I’ll spare you the long story and just say that after having lost a baby this summer through an ectopic pregnancy, I found myself slipping from my healthy ways. Add a job to the mix and the guilt of no longer being a stay-at-home mom and I’ve found the pounds creeping back on. Now, on the verge of a new year, I’ve found myself in major need of a health overhaul.

The good news is that I’ve already done this and I can skip all of the confusing aspects of losing weight and get straight to work. The bad news is that I’ve already done this…

This may be fortunate for you because I have done all of the leg work for you. Here is my opportunity to condense two years worth of weight loss blogging into a list of things you need in order to successfully lose weight.

 5 Fundamentals of Weight Loss Success

1. Get Mentally Prepared– The very first step to having a magical transformation (inside and out) is to have a major attitude adjustment. You need to abolish all self-doubt.


If you think it is impossible to lose weight then it will be. If you think you won’t be able to have your dream body then you won’t. It’s all up to you. The most important key to all of this is to believe in yourself. I know this is the corniest, cheesiest cliche there is… but it’s true.


Don’t sit around waiting for something to inspire you. Actively seek it out. I love looking at weight loss transformations. Find inspirational quotes. Listen to music. Read some books. Visualize who you want to be both physically and mentally and be that person.

Don’t waste time bashing yourself for where you are. It doesn’t matter what happened to get you to where you are today. You need to get over it. Quit looking for excuses, instead find ways to conquer anything that may come your way. It doesn’t matter how in shape you were five years ago or what the number is on the scale right now.

This doesn’t mean that you have to be perfect. It just means that you won’t look for ways to victimize yourself. If you screw up. You screw up. That’s all there is to it. The only thing to be done about that is to move forward. And when you move forward you will do it without bullying yourself. In other words… don’t be an asshole 🙂 <—- Do you like how I added the smiley face here. That is my passive aggressive way of saying. “Sorry, I’m not sorry.”

2. Move Your Ass- Nobody cares how cool your workout is. The key to weight loss is exercise. If you are just getting started it doesn’t matter what you do. It could be something trendy or something super lame. Go for a walk. Ride a bike. Lift some milk jugs. Do some planks. Ultimately it doesn’t matter what it is as long as you move. After you’ve gotten some momentum then you can worry about planning your workouts in accordance to the results that you are looking for.


Don’t let not having a gym membership be an excuse for not being able to work out. (I’ve tried that.) There are several at home workouts available on pinterest. There are also some really inexpensive options as far as gyms are concerned. Plus, there is always the sidewalk.

Personally, my plan is to balance lifting weights, spin class (even though it kills my vagina), running, yoga and having a dance party on the elliptical machine.

*If this video doesn’t show up on my blog the way that I want it to I highly recommend clicking on the link…

3. Nutrition- For me… this is the hardest part. I have been so confused on this topic throughout the years. There are so many diets to choose from. Crossfit people pushed me to do paleo. Old school diets say to stay away from fat. This threw me off for a long time. However, over the years I have learned how to cut the crap and get down to business.


The simple truth is that it is all about numbers. You can eat a paleo diet but if you eat 3000 calories of organic beef and roasted nuts you aren’t going to lose any weight. It doesn’t matter how many veggies you squeezed in there. On the other hand you can eat all “diet food” and still be eating junk.

Counting Calories…

For me, the best way to lose weight is to cut out processed crap, eat a variety of healthy fresh foods and to count calories (not obsess over them). When I lose weight I cap my intake to 1600 calories a day. However, if I’ve had a particularly hard work out and my body tells me to eat more I will. You have to find a balance between holding yourself accountable without being a total psycho about it.

The key to successfully dieting via calorie counting without feeling deprived is to make sure that you choose your foods wisely. It’s not just the amount of calories you eat but the quality of calories you are ingesting. This does not mean that it is okay to eat a McDonald’s cheese burger even if it fits within your calorie intake. Your body knows you aren’t getting the nutrients it needs so it will prompt you to eat more. I feel best when I balance my carbohydrates, fats and proteins with each meal… (I try to make the majority of my carbohydrates come from fruits and veggies.) 1200 calories is the minimum amount of calories you can eat with out officially crossing over to starvation mode (eating disorders). I would only recommend this amount for the most sedentary person. Keep in mind, if you are looking to build your strength 1200 calories are not enough to build any type of muscle. In other words you won’t find that lean toned look you might be looking for.


As a blogger I have been given offers by several companies who want me to push products to my readers. But here is the truth. You don’t need any of that crap. You don’t need supplements. You don’t need pills. After seeing all of the damage society has done to us through processed crap why would you buy more processed crap to help you find your ultimate health?

You don’t have to have a ton of money in order to lose weight. The majority of your weight loss cost should be in the form of groceries… and tighter fitting clothing 😉

4. Hydrate- It is so important to hydrate yourself. Not only for weight loss but for your health in general. I could regurgitate all of the information I’ve found throughout the years but I think I’ll just skip that part and leave you this link just in case you are interested. Twelve Unexpected Reasons To Drink More Water This New Year

FYI: vodka is not interchangeable with water… I’ve tried.

After the holidays I’m going to have to go on a Starbucks cleanse… as in, I’m not going to drink Starbucks anymore. If I need coffee I’ll drink iced coffee that I make at home (because I can drink iced coffee black). If I need something warm to cozy up to during these winter months I’ll opt for tea.

I’ve also decided to give up all alcohol until Valentine’s Day. I just need to kick-start some new healthy habits. Plus, it’ll make me a cheap Valentine date which my husband will appreciate.

5. Commit- Just do it! What are you waiting for? If you have quite a bit of weight to shed you will find a comfort zone about half way through. Keep going! Don’t give up. At this point, if you did things the right way, you will have found joy in the process. You have not been deprived, you will have enjoyed tons of new delicious foods. You will have taken pride in your strength and your endurance. Why would you stop here? Make it a lifestyle. If something throws you off balance get back to it as fast as you can.

The hardest part of losing weight are the mind games you will try to play with yourself. You will try to justify why you should be able to do things that will derail you. Just know that you’ll do this, cut the crap and stay the course. It doesn’t matter if you had a bad day, or if the scale didn’t budge last week, or that you really need want a cheeseburger. You have a goal in mind and you will regret it if you don’t follow through with it.

can'tsintocansOnce you get in the right mindset, the pounds will fall off and you will find your happy place.

I’m so excited to start fresh!  I don’t have a specific number in mind. However, I have a few physical attributes I’ll be keeping an eye out for… I want a flat stomach, preferably with some muscle tone. I want you to be able to see my arm muscles without flexing. I want nice side boobs, the kind that doesn’t melt into my back fat. In other words, I want to be fit.

I can’t wait to show you! (Well, except for the side boob. I’ll keep that under wraps.)

Weekly weigh-ins are coming back on Fridays as are monthly pictures and measurements. My goal is to have made significant progress by Valentines Day… my first cheat day.

I need to prove to myself that I am fully committed so I’m pretty much going through a six week cleanse. Plus it would be nice to feel like a complete hottie on that particular day.

Being a teacher I am really looking forward to having the summer months off. I would like to get to a point physically where I am extremely proud of myself by then. All of the hard work I put in will just be an active reminder of the good things to come.

As always I invite you to join me on Fridays for these weigh-ins.

Monthly Pics

Here it is folks! The pictures that were promised.

Let me tell you, when I peeled my puffy eyes open this morning to blow my nose for the hundredth time the last thing I wanted to do was take pictures of my swollen sick face. But that was precisely what said I would do so here they are.




Guess who is taking down their Halloween decorations today?

This is that dangerous time of year where the holidays are all scrunched up together. That dreaded time where I will end up saying, “Screw it, why try to lose weight when I’m just going to eat bad again in a couple of weeks?” This is the mindset that always makes me gain weight all throughout November and into December leaving me to ponder what the hell happened in January.

I’ve got that warped mindset all documented if you want to see it in the earlier stages of my blog.

In fact, my very first blog post was written November 5th during daylight savings time… one of my many designated resolution days. But nobody saw it because I wasn’t ready to put myself out there yet.

I had actually started this blog in September but I just let it sit there untouched for a month. I didn’t want to look inward, I didn’t want to face the truth so I ignored everything until November. Then on January I took the leap and made this blog public.

You have had to endure my inappropriate musings ever since… you’re welcome.

I haven’t lost as much weight as I thought I would when I started this journey. At first it was all about losing as much weight in the least amount of time possible because to me that meant I would have reached the apex of happiness.

Then as I opened myself up I started to gain perspective. I realized that I didn’t want to exchange one warped mindset for another. The whole reason I wanted to change was because I wasn’t enjoying my life. I didn’t like where I was or who I was and it didn’t have anything to do with my weight but had more to do with my attitude and my outlook on life. The weight was just a side effect.

With the help of this blog I’ve faced my flaws head on and I’ve changed the things about myself that needed changing and I’ve accepted the other things that just simply needed to be accepted. When you find that place in life, then things just sort of fall into place, but not without effort.

With that I will leave you the obligatory sugar in the trash shot…


because these cookies aren’t going to do anything to help me get over this cold.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend!